Monday, November 30, 2009

Losing your Fandom

Finding an undiscovered artist accidentally that you love is great. But there is always that jealous feeling that happens when the person gets another fan. Its great to mention someone that no one has heard of and then to play the song and turn them on completely on to the artist, and forever their fandom is something that you birthed, you are the parent of that persons appreciation for something beautiful. But then when you mention that artist to someone who has heard of them, you go “Oh, but have you heard THIS song?” and they say yeah, and you dig a little deeper until you can top them in terms of knowledge of an artist, thus reestablishing your superiority as a fan. But then there’s the moment when they get big, and get a music video or become the indie song that everyone loves, and just that one song, and you’re standing in the middle of a crowd yelling that they have another song that’s even better but no one can hear you because they are just enjoying the song of the moment. And you want to let go, you want to just enjoy the moment when something that was so close to you suddenly got so close to everyone else, but you can’t because while you truly love that artist, they are just going along with the crowd, and that’s not you. You aren’t just a part of the crowd, you are a big fan and an avid supporter of this person. You hunt them down and seek out them to see them for cheap in the basement of a church in Brooklyn. But that one song that catches on, it propels them too high for you to do that anymore. You have to pay big bucks to see them and there is someone who has their new stuff before you and its gone. That single moment where its you and 19 other people who love this beautiful thing is never coming back. You want to be so happy for the artist, and you are because they have fame and fortune while just being themselves, playing those songs you loved in the beginning for everyone else. But its so hard to go from being one of the 19 to being one of 5,000. It’s overwhelming to be banging along one day solo and then to suddenly open your eyes and be surrounded by people. And yes, it is extremely selfish and pretentious to say that you found them first and that you are the one true fan, but its not true, and you know it deep down, but you say it anyway because you want it to be true SO bad…but then everyone thinks your that one weird asshole and they back away and leave you alone. And once again, you are that one person, all alone, sitting at home listening while the others go and pay the $50 to see the artist that you loved so much once, and still do, but you cant…not in the same way. It’s a pure moment that has passed you by and either you join the mindless mob or you be the weird intellectual who drinks scotch alone on a Saturday night intentionally.

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