Harry Potter for a Minute and Something completely different

A disclaimer: this is not a review of Harry Potter. I saw the film yesterday (opening day) and it was pretty good. Except for some changes from the book that I found unnecessary and an extra helping of teen hormonal issues, the movie was a lot of fun and probably the best to look at technically. And for some reason, the score was great. It is most unfourtunate though that Ginny Weasley is a good chunk of height taller than Harry at this point. Oh well…What I am actually writing about though is a quick, 2 moments that I have had in the last week. While listening to the radio, I have found myself nodding along to and enjoying songs by unknown artists. When I finally looked down to see what the songs were I saw that they were in fact a Nickleback song and a Black Eyed Peas song called “I Gotta Feeling.” I wanted to make a confession that as soon as I saw the artists for this songs, I changed the radio then looked around at the other cars to make sure no one had caught me listening. But then I realized that neither of the songs sound anything like the artists previous work. So I wanted to tip my metaphorical sombrero to NIckleback and Will.I.am for changing up their styles and tricking me into almost enjoying their stuff for a matter of moments. It was fun while it lasted, but then their past histories of trash, garbage and utter pieces of shit that passed for previous work came to mind and I felt like I was infront of a crowd holding my dick. So with that, I have to go to work.

p.s. this is my 50th post on the site, so if you want to send me a present, I would accept it

Public Enemies

There really isn’t any reason a Michael Mann directed John Dillinger biopic starring Johnny Depp should be boring at all. It just shouldn’t happen. But Public Enemies, for some reason, is dull. The actors and everyone involved has outstanding chops and while the film does spend a good portion of the time focused on Christian Bale’s straight laced company man Melvin Purvis, there is no exposition into what makes this man tick. So Depp as Dillinger is really the only character in the film with any heart at all. None of the characters backgrounds is really explored but Depp is able to convey the motivations of Dillinger simply with an upturn of the lip or the raise of an eyebrow. Bale on the other hand is so stern and straight-laced, he really forced me to be dragged along with his storyline. The subplot about how Dillinger’s crime spree gave J. Edgar Hoover enough sway to really turn the F.B.I. into a juggernaut should be given its own movie, because there was obviously a lot that went on with Hoover, one of history’s most interesting characters, but all we see in this film is him looking angry that his agents aren’t catching enough high profile bad guys.
The film runs about two and a half hours, but instead of being an indepth look into the world of one of the greatest bad guys ever, it seems to drift along as the cops just keep messing up while the cool anti-hero skirts along to his next hiding spot. If the film was 90 minutes and more of a ‘run of the mill’ summer action film, it wouldn’t be very good or satisfying, but at least there would have been a set direction. The opening jailbreak scene, where Dillinger busts the rest of his friends out of jail is riveting, with huge shots of men with Tommy Guns shooting at the guards in towers, running across a dessert and the crisp sound of bullets flying, whizzing around. But after the men reach their hideout, the film slows down to a crawl. The three or four shootouts that actually are in the film are incredible, probably the best shootouts since maybe Heat. But once the fight is over and the gangsters get away, the film goes back to scenes of Bale looking stern, Hoover looking angry and Depp smirking with a beautiful Marion Cottilard on his side.
The character of Dillinger isn’t presented as a good guy in any way though, which is a good thing. He tries to show redeemable aspects in his loyalty to his friends and when he returns the money to bank patrons, but he even says that this is just so that the public will like him in the paper. But while he does nothing but steal and kill, the way that he goes about his life on the run really makes the audience care for his well being. The poor upbringing and the true believe in all things American are such simple things that allowed for a connection to the character that the rest of the people in the film fall by the wayside. And maybe Dillinger wasn’t really that exciting, which would explain the films boringness, but the way that Depp is able to show the soul of the man who really just wants a pretty girl, a Tommy gun, a nice suit and a fast car is a fascinating look into criminal life in the depression. The only other person who really has their good moments is Stephen Graham as Baby Face Nelson, but he’s just crazy, but he makes crazy fun. And in a film devoid of fun moments, it’s a nice change of pace.
So to summarize, in an era of all kinds of sensationalized legends of crime, Public Enemies tries to bring the real story to the screen and I don’t know enough history to say whether its right or wrong, but it sure isn’t as exciting and compelling as the stories would have had anyone believe. If it wasn’t for Depp simply being fantastic and making the audience love a man without redemption, this film would have been really hard to watch. But since Purvis has his own story to be told, no matter how void of anything worth seeing it is, Depp doesn’t nearly have enough screen time in this epic to make the films entire runtime worth while. I want to say I liked it, but there was just so much lacking in terms of a driving story, compelling characters and quantity of the excellent action sequences to make me recommend the film to anyone else out there.

The Hangover

I saw this and loved it, so I figured that I would put a little something up on the site about it. Not necessarily a formal review, but just saying how the film's plot is pretty bland and boring. But it worked so well, the combination of the actors, the set pieces and the cameos that were spoiled in the trailer (Tyson...) all fit together in a pretty jumbled mess of all the worst possible scenario's for a Vegas weekend. There are huge plot jumps and scenes that really don't fit together but everything just gets piled up on top of one another so fast that you are still laughing from the previous joke to really notice that things don't quite fit...The theatre for my Wednesday night screening was packed though, and the laughing was so hard that I probably missed half of the lines. And the theater had this new Icee beverage that tasted just like Jolly Rancher, so between laughter and my drink, I think I saw about a third of the flick and loved it alot. Gotta rent it though when it comes out to give it a real hard disection, as every drunken idiot movie that I love does.

Terminator, Star Trek

Today I went back to see the new Star Trek film with my parents and my cousin and loved it. It really is a fun film, and my cousin, who has never seen anything related to the TV show or the feature films, laughed at jokes I thought would be considered “in,” such as Spock’s repeated use of “illogical” and Uhura’s choosing of Spock instead of Kirk, despite what played out in the original series. From the swashbuckling to the dog fights in space, and even the seemingly unnecessary jokes that I’m sure Orci and Kurtzman threw in, forgetting that this wasn’t the next Transformers movie they were writing, all came off as great. It isn’t Oscar worthy as Dark Knight was last year, but it worked more like Iron Man, in that it didn’t really have a misstep on its way to the perfect, fun summer action film.
This brings me to a dilemma though. A few days ago I went to go see the new Terminator film. Now I thought the trailers and everything I had heard made the film sound like it was going to be a great action sci-fi movie, fitting into the series flawlessly. I was even ready to accept McG as a great director. But then the early reviews for the film came out and it got trashed as being just another stupid flick that was too dark and violent to really have any redeeming qualities. So I was apprehensive when I sat down in the theatre. And when I walked out, all I could think about was Christian Bale yelling and lights flashing against dark landscapes. Now the film was ridiculous in its concept of the timeline, really not making the most sense in those aspects. But the terminator films never really did anyway. What was missing though was the human element. At one point John Conner yells about how the humans are acting like machines and need to develop some compassion, but he never really does this. He just yells in the only volume level he seems to use for the entire film. In James Cameron’s Terminator films, numbers 1 & 2, Sarah and John Conner were wiseasses, who were deadly serious fighting the machines, but were never above the opportune one liner. Simple, stupid jokes that reminded the audience that these really were human beings with redeemable qualities. So while Christian Bale may be a hardened John Conner, there never really is that little glimmer of humanity in his eye, the thing that let the audience know why his life was worth fighting for in the first place
And while I might be putting too much into having a couple extra, stupid lines of dialogue thrown into a 2 hour war movie, it would at least have the viewers smirk, enjoy themselves and really realize why the hell we paid good money to see people fight to continue to live. I can really only speak for myself when I say that if I had to live in a world without jokes, I’m not sure I really would fight for it. And theres the thing: it isn’t the jokes that really matter, it’s the humanity. When POW’s get left in cells and starved, the idea of life at home is what keeps them alive. Home is warmth, comfort, safety and loved ones. These are serious things, but if a POW gets home and hugs his family and doesn’t smile, why the hell did he fight to stay alive? So while there really wasn’t anything wrong with the film, I didn’t smile once during the whole thing. The cast was good, there were some fantastic set pieces and the dystopian wasteland that was presented was everything the previous films led me to believe would happen. It was a great realization on the part of McG, but at no point was there anything to make me understand what the fighting was for, despite how loud John Conner’s speeches were.
So while Star Trek did everything right in making me laugh and cry and cheer for it, Terminator made me put on a straight face for the entire run time, and that really just made my jaw get sore from clenching. I can’t wait for the next Trek film, but until McG can show me a reason to give a shit about his beautifully rendered, post-Judgement Day world, I just won’t care if there’s any more stories to tell.

A Comment from the Author and Wolverine

So, while I go to school for cinema studies, I have stopped updating this site. Maybe I get the itch, but I see movies around the same time everyone else does, and I usually like most movies that I would be willing to put money down to see. And, for some pieces of trash, like Wolverine, I'm not that confident that I could add anything new to the argument about why the movie wasn't good. Personally, I feel that the casting of Will.I.Am as John Wraith sums up the films problems pretty well: a focus on the flash, while substance and a comprehensible plot fell by the wayside. I hold Fox studios completely responsible for this film as Gavin Hood has demostrated that he is perfectly capable of directing a very good movie, but as soon as there were rumblings that Fox wasn't happy with the film, everyone knew the final product would suffer. Whether or not the various stories of firings, quittings, rehirings and Richard Donner appearances are true, the fact still is that the finished product was subpar. Now, I rated the film a 6/10, which was the highest score given by anyone I saw the film with or have talked to about it since. I know that it wasn't smart or put together well, and some of the CGI just looked terrible, but that didn't stop me from enjoying Ryan Reynolds brief and somewhat innacurrate appearance as the Merc with the Mouth. Hugh Jackman's acceptable to and established actors Liev Schrieber and Danny Huston seemed to have alot of fun with their roles, really relishing being bad guys who don't talk like Iago. Nothing against Shakespeare mind you, but you could tell alot of the time that as soon as the director yelled "cut" from a particular scene, everyone would just bust out laughing at what had just been said. So while I give the film some extra slack, theres nothing I could do to change what you think about the film. I would be Jesus the Copywriter if I could type out something on this black Dell that would make you overlook Will.I.Am's obviously homosexual cowboy hat or the swords coming out of Weapon XI's arms or the plot hole of Wolverine in all his mutant glory, being unable to sense a fake dead lady covered in blood with no visible wounds. I'm just sayin'...So thats what I think of Wolverine. Was I dissapointed? Sure, of course I was. I want every film to be as good as The Dark Knight, which has now replaced the original Superman for comic book glory. So if you can get your hands on some mild innebriant, then I think you should go see this movie. I actually think you should go see it anyway. If you look deeper and try to find something deep and passionate being said in this film, go watch the stupid English Patient movie. What is contained in this film is some basic, recycled themes of betrayal and revenge with alot more yelling and Australian chest hair than you would usually see. Ok, I have to go eat before the Mariners game, but I just wanted to get this out here while it was in my head. On a more personal note, I have been watching alot of B-movies lately on the Netflix instant viewer and will probably throw up a couple reviews of those in the next week or so. Day of the Dead remake with Nick Cannon was actually more fun, and shorter, than Wolverine. Danke Schoen. Can I find the stupid Uumlaud button anywhere? Or a spellcheck? I should have just said thank you and goodbye in English because now I'm like one of those awkward answering machine messages where the person runs out of things to say and just says "Umm..." for a few seconds before hanging up. Eh, night.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Review by Michael Jaffe

The best thing I think a person can say about a film and its maker are regarding how carefully someone made every precise thing in the movie perfect, and there simply isn’t a false moment in this epic fairy tale that is more about living than love, despite its romantic overtones. David Fincher may be an asshole but he can direct the shit out of a movie, even a movie that takes longer to watch than it takes to read the short story on which it was so loosely based.
Really, I could try to wax poetic in an epic summary of the absolutely jaw dropping details, or about how Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett loose themselves so heavily in their characters that for the first half of the film I didn’t realize that Brad Pitt the celebrity was in this movie. The details, from the wear on the watches to the freckles on the back of Mrs. Blanchett, are so exact that it really is too much to take in after a single viewing. While the films intensity may cause it to be draining for me to try to see the film again, I really am going to will myself to watch it again because there are likely so many things that I missed, so many layers and subtexts to the general theme, that I am likely to never get bored while watching it. A truly incredible display of filmmaking, this cinematic masterpiece will likely take decades to truly settle into its role as a member of the Hollywood canon.

10/10

Eagle Eye

Review by Michael Jaffe

I hate people who talk in movies almost as much as the United States government hates terrorists. They are a threat to our way of life and everything that we stand for. So in a fitting turn of events, a movie that tries to somehow address cyber terrorism in this technologically advanced, post 9/11 caused me to be unpatriotic and simply yell “what the fuck?”
From the films opening scene staring a very stern looking Michael Chiklis watching the United States blow up a funeral in the Middle East, confusion was the name of the game. Now, with almost any good film, the opening scene doesn’t explain everything but gets you drawn into the world of the film and has you asking questions, eager to see what is to come. Eagle Eye almost has that scene but instead of being enjoyable, you simply find yourself slowly chuckling at the ridiculousness of the film and then building to full on, sidesplitting laughs during scenes that I’m sure were supposed to be of the utmost suspense. Shia and Michelle Monaghan, both emerging stars in their own right try their best to bring an actual sense of reality to the movie, but neither of them are strong enough to really pull it all together. Billy Bob Thorton though is masterful, being his whimsical, Texas self, actually enjoying what is going on around him. He actually said a line that caused me to laugh when I was meant to, the only time in the film to do so. Rosario Dawson and Anthony Mackie provided something to the film…but I can’t really figure out what it was. They were both stuck in throwaway roles despite being, especially Ms. Dawson, worthy of legitimate roles in studio films. And yes, Erik Christian Olsen, Ethan Embry and Jerry Ferrera are in this for a scene each with an occasional line.
XXX 2, I Robot, Die Hard 4, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Enemy of the State, Stealth, Se7en and North by Northwest are all films that are blatantly ripped off in this film and all of them, even XXX 2 and Stealth, did it better and more enjoyably than Eagle Eye. And while this mishmash of cinema doesn’t even come close to being an acceptable film, you do as an audience feel strong pangs of guilt at how the creative team behind one really well made, low budget thriller, Disturbia, tried to unite again for something much bigger and better and just completely missed the mark by so, so much. What was really missing from this film was Michael Bay and his ability to cut out any extra fat to the story and streamline to get the bare minimum out of the story and the most out of big action sequences. Eagle Eye focuses too much on a plot that hands down makes no sense at all and uses lots of quick cuts to blur out what I would imagine were some ambitious chase scenes in storyboard format.
Poor Dj Caruso. He almost had his mojo from Salton Sea back with Disturbia, making smaller films that move quick, not bloated pieces of trash like the disasters that were Two for the Money and Taking Live. Eagle Eye is yet another show about how the man who is entrusted with one of my favorite book series, Y: The Last Man, should really try to stick to streamlined films that don’t strive to be so much more than they really are. And also, Mr. Caruso needs to forget that his actors are stars and treat them like actors, not constantly catering to their every whim because for some reason, Shia acted in Disturbia way more believably and constructed than he did I the absolute joke that was this movie. Eagle Eye is so absolutely terrible in every, single regard that this review isn’t as much a review as a warning to everyone not to pay to see it. I have a difficult time giving it a rating because there was nothing about this film that made me want to stay through the whole thing other than the $12 I had spent on concessions and I had to see what was at the bottom of my ICEE because I really didn’t give a shit what was at the bottom of Eagle Eye.

2/10

The Wackness

Review by Michael Jaffe

As a white boy who listens to hip-hop, I knew that I was going to like THE WACKNESS. What I didn’t know was how much I would like it. While its easy to summarize the film as the story of one young man’s summer selling weed in New York in 1994, there is so much more to the film. There is his first love, his friendship with his psychiatrist who he trades pot for sessions, his trouble with his parents, his loneliness, his music and the city. The film comes off as a genre bender that can truly only be defined as a real film. I am 19, white and just spent a year in New York at school, so many elements of this film struck home, I find myself baffled at trying to explain just how much I enjoyed the film. But the problem is that because I can relate to the film so much, I have a view that is skewed and I am probably blinded by this fact to what could be the films faults.
But maybe that is why this is a truly great film. As a critic, I try to judge a films quality with how much it makes me feel, be it hate or lust or excitement, and this film made me feel all those things. There are moments that are sad and moments hysterical, but above all, the moments all ring as true and realistic things that happen. Last summer, SUPERBAD was a film that a lot of 17-20 year olds could relate to, not because of the ridiculous situations that the characters got into, but because of what they were feeling and going through that last summer before they go to college and THE WACKNESS is another film about that last summer of high school and of adolescence where a young man is forced to grow up and go out into the world of school and how prepares himself for this.
There really are no female characters to relate to as the two main characters are Dr. Squires, played with a youthful charm by Ben Kingsley, and the lonely Luke Shapiro. Josh Peck, of Nickelodeons DRAKE & JOSH really comes through with this role. There is no voiceover, so the audience really needs to see what is going through his head via his actions and reactions and the look of Luke through most of the film shows the sadness and confusion and regret that everyone has as they leave high school. Dr. Squires is a similarly relatable character as he reflects on his lost youth and perhaps try to regain some of it by hanging out with Luke and trying to impart some of his drugged out, psychiatric wisdom on the young lost soul.
The 1994 setting in New York allows for some great scenery, including a late scene where Squires sits drinking a 40, smoking a joint and looking as the sun sets behind the World Trade Centers. And while the usually reaction is to feel sorrow over 9/11, in the context, I had to smile and reflect on a city that even without one of its greatest landmarks continues to stand strong through all the grit and shit that you have to now dig to find. Gotta love the beauty of trash. Method Man makes a cameo as well, as Luke’s Jamaican supplier, and gives Luke “a new tape called ‘Ready to Die’.” I had to chuckle at the reference to one of hip-hop’s classic albums being referred to as new, and its on cassette.
This film was obviously made by someone who knows their subject matter and truly loves it. Songs by Craig Mack and Tribe Called Quest kept my head nodding and my lips rhyming along with classic joints that show how writer/director Jonathon Levine should keep making stuff like this like a hip-hop Woody Allen. The characters are fleshed out, the city shines through its grime, the music is good and he cast Olivia Thirby as that first love, which is always a good decision. Technically, there is a scene on the beach between Squires and Luke where the camera keeps losing its focus in the sun and everything seems to be seen through some glass, but I realized since both characters were under the influence, why not the audience to? The direction and writing keep the story moving foreword at a brisk pace, showing deft skill from Mr. Levine
But forget his technical prowess in conveying a good story, the ability to get so much across is his true gift. While not everyone may be able to get as much out of WACKNESS as this reviewer did, I would really hope that everyone is able to see it and know that what happens is all true and something that every man must go through on his route to maturity. Sorry if this review is rambling, but I saw this film two days ago and it still has so much rattling around in my head, all to the beat of “The What.” can you imagine what I was thinking when I walked out the theatre with my friends and we were all humming different songs that appeared in the film and quoting different scenes and acting as excited as I think I’ve ever seen 4 19-20 year old white boys getting out of an “indie darling film.” And the big thing is we were all smiling and laughing because despite some down moments, in the end, the characters we care about all redeem themselves and continue on to another day in the city.
9.5/10

SPEED RACER!

Review by Michael Jaffe

They don’t get it. I don’t think anyone does. Established film critics everywhere just don’t know what they are talking about. SPEED RACER was perfect. It was everything that the filmmakers set out to make. A fitting tribute to the original anime, the Wachowski brothers created a big budget cartoon that no one seemed to understand because there are real actors present. I have heard people call it stupid and childish as if that’s a bad thing. The creators of the heavy handed MATRIX trilogy and the brilliant film noir, mystery BOUND decided to have fun with their work and it shows in how something they obviously love, the old show, was able to retain the magic of what made the show great.
But, as there always is a but with these things, there are problems. Its not the Wachowski’s fault that SPEED struggles to maintain an even pace for the entire 135 minute runtime. The show was short and skipped a lot of heavy-handed dialogue because any that existed was laughably dubbed into English. The action was what mattered and it is the same in the film, except that the actors speak English so you couldn’t laugh as the corny, message heavy dialogue was delivered. Thank god the cast is very talented actors obviously having fun with being cartoon characters. Chim chim is a real monkey to by the way.
I really don’t have much more to say about the film as there really isn’t a whole lot there. The story drags a bit but the visuals during the chase scenes are brighter and better looking that anything that I can recall ever seeing on screen. They didn’t make me catch my breath, they just made me smile and enjoy the experience of seeing the bright colors and explosions. So what if the characters aren’t developed very well or the story isn’t very engaging? If you went into SPEED RACER expecting those things to be stellar, than you’re just ignorant. Sorry to say it, but if you try to outsmart this film and actually think, then sure, you will see that it is no GONE WITH THE WIND. But if BEN-HUR could win an Oscar for its visuals, I think SPEED deserves a shot of being accepted by the public for being a fun film that kept me wanting more for the entire film. Go speed, go. 7.5/10
I cant really end this review with that line. Shit. How about the line pops says after his fight. “Ninja? More like a nanja.” If you laugh at that line, not for its quick wit, but for being ridiculously stupid and goofy, then this is a film you will enjoy.

A Good Year

Review by Michael Jaffe

Rarely can I say that I am a sap. I loathe and openly mock romantic comedies, heartfelt family films and Russell Crowe. But when a film takes the most predictable story line of all, casts Russell Crowe in the lead and sets it in France, a country which, I must say, is not really my favorite, the obvious prediction is that the only thing to put me in a good mood is the end credits. How wrong I was. A GOOD YEAR, Ridley Scott’s break from epic pictures, sets Mr. Crowe as a money grubbing, English asshole who goes to France to claim his uncles chateau, and learns a lesson about life in the process. Its as run of the mill as you can get. As I started the film up, I rolled my eyes because you have Ridley Scott, the guy who made BLADE RUNNER and ALIEN and GLAIATOR and BLACK RAIN, making a small picture about life lessons. But while the scope of the film may be small, it hits its mark as neither a comedy nor a drama, but simply a charming little film with moments of both.
While it didn’t really hit many of the emotional chords that it was aiming for, the acting and cinematography was superb. It was as if I was watching UNDER THE TUSCAN sun again but actually liking the movie! Russell Crowe doesn’t really do much in the role other than hit every line just right. The flashback scenes, that have to his childhood, feature Albert Finney, who could whistle for two hours and I wouldn’t be able to blink, as his Uncle Henry and the time young Max, played by Freddie Highmore, spend together. Freddie Highmore does a most excellent impression of Mr. Crowe. The true star of the picture though is Marion Cotillard. Now everybody’s sweetheart after winning the Oscar for her portrayal of Edith Piaf, here she takes a simple role and really doesn’t do anything extraordinary with it. The incredible part is that while as Ms. Piaf she covered her beauty, her it shines so bright. While gorgeous, charming and truly endearing in the role of Max love interest, I can’t help but get slack jawed at her very appearance on screen. She truly is a joy to watch.
The second most beautiful thing in the film is the southern French countryside. Mr. Scott must really have a love for where they shot because while London is shot as a dark, lonely industrial city, the countryside is all warmth and nature. As someone who has been to the south of France and stayed in a chateau, all I could think about was how it was exactly as I remember it. And that is what this film really boils down to; a very beautiful and predictable love. While unrealistic and truly fantastical in its spendor sometime, all I wanted to do afterwards was listen to Yves Montand on vinyl on the veranda of my chateau with a beautiful woman, a handsome cigar and a bottle of the deepest red wine I can find. 7/10

STRANGE WILDERNESS

Review by Michael Jaffe

By writing a review of STRANGE WILDERNESS I am doing something that really shouldn’t be attempted: intellectualizing this film. And by using the word “film” I am probably overdoing it again. STRANGE WILDERNESS is a collection of scenes filmed with reckless abandon, some of which are hysterical because of their obvious spontaneity and some which make you stare slack jawed at your neighbor as if to ask “is this movie real?” That this is a major release really is a testament to Adam Sandler’s power in Hollywood because this is exactly like GRANDMA’S BOY. There are a lot of Sandler cronies floating around, being high and doing ridiculous shit that is just like what any other 20-year-old stoners would do except more extreme.
The basic premise for STRANGE WILDERNESS is that Peter Gaulke (played by Steve Zahn) and Fred Wolf (Allen Covert of GRANDMA’S BOY) make a wilderness show called “Strange Wilderness” except that it sucks and will get cancelled if they can’t get something for better ratings. Then an old friend shows up and says for 1000 dollars they can buy a map that takes them to Ecuador and a cave where big foot lives. Hilarity ensues. The plot and the series of events that ensues makes so little sense you will cause yourself sever damage if you try to understand what is transpiring. The characters are all very odd and all the faces involved (Zahn, Covert, Kevin “FARVA!” Heffernan, Justin “HI, I’m a Mac” Long, Jonah “the fat kid from SUPERBAD” Hill and Ernest “I’m 90 and have an Oscar. Why am I in this” Borgnine) are well known and relatively respected comedians who have done much better work in other films and apparently were offered a million dollars each to shoot in Disney land’s fake jungle for 2 weeks and smoke a lot of weed with producer Sandler. Justin Long is surprisingly hilarious as a guy who really has smoked himself retarded and isn’t giving up his favorite herb anytime soon.
There really is about 60 minutes of real movie here and then just a lot of sidetracked insanity. There is nitrous oxide inhalation, body paint, weird tattoos, lots of weird fake penises, a boob, lots of stupid jokes and actually a few spots where I laughed out loud. I am not sure you should see this movie without any type of substance, but I did and I FELT high when I walked out of the theatre. It truly is an unbelievable feat that this film in its current state was made and released to the public.
I laughed and gaped in astonishment and just about had one of the more enjoyable times at the movies I have had in a while. With terribly low expectations going in, the stupid, lowbrow humor was exactly what I was expecting except more. With such films as NARNIA and NATIONAL TREASURE making hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, dumbing the masses, I am glad films like STRANGE WILDERNESS still exist where reasonably intelligent youths can go and forget about the horror that is real life and seriousness (fuck you Hillary, I’m voting for Barack). If a viewer can accept that this is a piece of shit film, it really becomes a hilarious, R-rated episode of the live action SIMPSONS with dumber writers and more innuendo. Its nuts. You’ll love it. 6/10 sober, 11/10 when fucked up.

D3: The Mighty Ducks

Review by Michael Jaffe

Childhood for me was defined by a few movies and I am happy to say that Mighty Ducks is one of those few films that was so heavily ingrained in my mind that even today when I watch it I can become six years old again. Not a care in the world can overpower how much I view Goldberg as a sign to fat, Jewish boys everywhere that we to can be the wisecracking side character to a successful youth sports team. However, when the inevitable sequels started, I was juiced. D2 was phenomenal, keeping all the classic old characters and adding new ones AND having coach Bombay, played perfectly by the incomparable Emilio Estevez, have a personal vendetta against the opposition’s coach. The tension was incredible and the film was even better. Then D3.
Usually with trilogies, you find that the middle portion lags while the third film swoops in as the biggest film yet and saves the franchise. Since D2 simply built on the first, the third film was going to have no less than three explosions, two Goldberg chase scenes and the Bash Brothers literally picking someone up and throwing them into the next county. Anticipation swelled and as an eight year old I remember walking out of the theatre, on opening day of course, feeling that while I had enjoyed the movie and the candy very much, something wasn't right. Now, an unbelievable 11 years after the films first release I went back to see if I could find what was wrong with D3: The Mighty Ducks.
So now, as a 19 year old I have watched all three films, and the first two still hold up remarkably well. While some of the humor is a little juvenile at times, I really could care less because the kids are supposed to be 13 year olds anyway and they act like it. The films are really good and the acting is way above what is to be expected from these sorts of films. Then came D3 and I had to wonder what exactly happened? The heart of the first two films was this team and their coach. In the opening of D3 Coach Gordon Bombay tells team captain Charlie that he has taken a better job and promptly leaves the film. That is the start of the third film: getting rid of the best coach and the one adult character that is real, and truly holds the films together. And also, while Charlie is the captain and team leader, the films worked because the great side characters got real roles and kept the film about the team. While the dialogue and the acting in D3 is really not so bad, the story and direction of the film veers sharply from what made the first two magical. Charlie becomes the main character and the focus of the film. He whines and complains to the new coach relentlessly about how he hates defense.
Like B.B. King said, "the thrill is gone." By switching the focus to a now teenage Charlie, the film spends the majority of its run time on Charlie leading the Ducks, now the freshman JV squad at an elite prep high school, on a series of pranks against the varsity team. The characters of the varsity team are atrociously acted and ever worse written by the way. The familiarity with the Ducks however is shown because the snippets where we see such great supporting characters as Goldberg, Averman and Fulton are perfect, but minute roles that are there to kill time while Charlie walks between spots to sulk. The characters of Mendoza and Portman, introduced in the second film, are all but forgotten and have two scenes apiece.
While D3 does have the big shoes to fill of the previous two works of prepubescent hockey perfection, it doesn't even try to copy the previous formula to make it work. While the Ducks remain underdogs, it no longer is really about the Ducks and that is what makes this film sub par. It falls into all the genre traps and really can't do much to save it once Emilio checks out (hockey pun for all those out there who don't follow the sport) and doesn't return until the final twenty minutes. What else did he have to film at this time??? Ridiculous that the films main bankable star was removed after two films and replaced by a throw away, hard ass coach character. While this film no longer is a puzzlement to me about what went wrong, it is really just like when a parent isn't mad but just "disappointed." And that hurts so much more. 5/10

TMNT

Review by Michael Jaffe

I am not afraid to admit that I was raised with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles running through my veins. As a youngster, I couldn’t fall asleep at night without my dad reading me one of the Turtle comic books, of which I had a complete set. When I saw the first, live action movie as a kid I remember being so sucked into it at the doctor’s office I threw a tantrum as they tried to get me to leave the doctors office. To this day, I still watch the original two movies and love them as much as I did that first day at the doctors. This newest installment of the turtles series is CGI, not live action, and completely devoid of Shredder. The bad guys in this installment are the foot clan who are being controlled by businessman Max Winters. Mr. Winters calls in some stone generals from south America and then some foolishness goes on with some big monsters but the heart of the movie is the turtles.
The story takes place a few years after the previous three movies and Leo has been sent away by Splinter to learn how to be a better leader. April O’Neil goes and finds him and asks him to come back. The turtles back home have become weak without their leader, with Don working as tech support, Mikey being entertainment for kids birthday parties and Raph becoming even more surly and angrier than he ever was before. April and Casey are now living together in a safe, at home life, but Casey longs to get back out there and fight crime again. The movie is fun and fast and there are hardly any dull moments and the animation, while extremely cartoony is smooth, sleek and really easy to watch. The voice work by Patrick Stewart as Max Winters is very villainous and his deep baritone makes the character seem quite intimidating. Sarah Michelle Gellar is fine as April, but doesn’t really bring anything special to the role. Chris Evans as Casey Jones is as perfect a voice for the role as you could get without getting Elias Koteas circa 1990. The voices of the turtles are all done by relatively unknown voice actors and all are really quite good, with barely any noticeable difference from the distinct voices that were developed during the original cartoon TV show.
The movie is surprisingly funny with the jokes and one liners and the action scenes look great. The movie is not without fault however. The dialogue, while mostly good, can fall into fairly lame territory on occasion and the non-realistic animation could hamper some people’s enjoyment of the movie about talking turtles. And the movie is fairly childish, but any true fan of the turtles won’t care because the turtles were never the most challenging stories intellectually. The story was really without much connection to the TV show and hopefully the next film will have Shredder and Krang back, completing the turtles’ complete return to glory. 8/10

Hannibal Rising

review by Michael Jaffe

HANNIBAL RISING is one of the most confusing and terribly written movies that I have seen in a while. The movie tries to be a quality film and looks beautiful. Director Peter Webber, director of the fabulous GIRL WITH THE PEARL EARING is completely stuck with a miserable script. Everything about the movie seems good, the acting, the setting, the plot, but the writing is so dreadful that numerous times laughter rang through the theatre because it was like watching a Roger Corman production. I have read the book and I noticed how bad the writing of the book was, and then I saw that Thomas Harris wrote both witch would explain just how flat out dreadful the dialogue is.

The plot is that young Hannibal’s family dies on the eastern front of WWII and then some bad men come and eat his sister. Hannibal then is magically 16 and a complete killing maching. He then goes to live with his Japanese aunt in France where she trains him to become a samurai. He then becomes a medical student and seeks revenge on the men who ate his sister 8 years earlier. Luckily, 3 of the men live in France right by Hannibal so he can swing over on weekends and kill them. If this story seems ridiculous, that is because it is. There are plot twists that I won’t reveal that simply made me want to leave the theatre.

The reason I stayed however was the acting. A beautifully shot film that makes Gaspard Ulliel’s performance as the young Dr. Lecter look that much better. It might not have been on par with Anthony Hopkins, but I won’t deny that I was very afraid of his Joker like grin and long nose. He would certainly look good as Joker in the next BATMAN movie. Mr. Ulliel is very good as are Rhys Ifans as a bad guy and THE WIRE’s Dominic West as a concerned policeman. Gong Li does not particularly act well in HR, but she sure looks great as Hannibal’s Japanese aunt who teaches him the way of the samurai.

The movie is a mess and is completely unnecessary for the series. The only good that might come out of it are that Mr. Ulliel might get more work in mainstream cinema. 4/10

Casino Royale

Review by Michael Jaffe

I hate Martin Campbell. Once, he was a competent director with such movies as GOLDENEYE and MASK OF ZORRO, both entertaining films that were competently made. Then he made VERTICAL LIMIT, BEYOND BORDERS and, of course, THE LEGEND OF ZORRO. VERTICAL LIMIT was barely decent, as was BEYOND BORDERS, but THE LEGEND OF ZORRO was easily one of the most terrible movies I have ever seen. His newest film, CASINO ROYALE is somewhere in between. The first two acts are nearly pitch perfect. There is action and women and cars and exotic locales and everything you could ever want from a Bond movie. Without question, it is the best first two acts to any Bond movie in over 30 years. The problem arises with the third act. The movie 2 hours and 20 minutes, at least 20 minutes longer than it should’ve been. The third act though is completely unnecessary, and I won’t say why, but it seems as if someone else wrote that final act. It’s sappy and slow and the action sequences aren’t as well planned at all. There were three writers, one of whom is Oscar winner Paul Haggis. The third act simply doesn’t fit as Bond softens up and looses his new cool that is build up perfectly in the first two acts.
On the acting front, Daniel Craig is awesome as Bond, playing his as ice cold and manipulative as he should be. Craig may be blue eyed and blonde but he IS Bond as Ian Fleming would’ve wanted him. He isn’t perfect, he quite often messes up his assignments and his fighting is somewhat unrefined, but it makes him human and that why we love him. Bond also is depicted as a brilliant Texas hold-‘em player which leads Bond to Montenegro to engage in a high stakes, $150 million, hold-‘em game to beat an underworld banker named Le Chiffre. If Le Chiffre loses, he will be bankrupt and will be forced to become a rat for the government or be killed by the international bad guys whose money he has lost. Eva Green tags along as Vesper Lynd, not your usual Bond girl. While beautiful, she is also as brilliant and cool as Bond himself is. The characters battle wits from the first time they meet, eventually falling in love which leads to the sappy third act.
The movie is so disappointing. The first two acts are so good, so violent, so freaking awesome that when the third act rolls around it is like Episode I all over again. This build up and you feel so good about the movie and the incredible chase scene through a construction site makes the sloppy finale hurt so much more. In the end, if you want to know whether or not you should see this movie, the answer is a resounding yes, but be warned. 8/10

The Departed

Review by Michael Jaffe
I don’t ever really remember why I started loving movies. Maybe it was escapism, maybe it was because it was two hours where I was perfectly in my rights to yell at my mom for disturbing me. After seeing THE DEPARTED I realized that this was the movie I had kind of always wanted to see. It is like the first time I saw INFERNAL AFFAIRS (the film on which DEPARTED is based on) I just knew that if there was a single line between good and bad movies, this movie was on the good side. DEPARTED is on of the movies that while you watch it, you just know its good. Be it the music, the lighting, the brilliant dialogue or the great performances, everything in this movie pretty much clicked at such a high rate that, while a flawed movie, nothing about could be changed and actually improve on it. It is the best movie that could be made with this subject. Not that it was better that INFERNAL AFFAIRS, a brilliant movie in its own right, but the departed is a completely different beast that tackles completely different things with a totally more engaging, more vicious American edge to it. Scorsese puts the petal to the metal and doest let up for two and a half solid hours as the plot keeps getting thicker and thicker building to the final conclusion that had me nearly out of my seat with anticipation. To boot, this is all from someone who saw the original and pretty much knew what was going to happen in the end, but nevertheless, I was so sucked into the world of these characters that I didn’t care what the ending was.
The plot is fairly basic, with a mole in the police force (Damon) and a mole in the mob (DiCaprio) and eventually, through a deal gone bad, they become aware of each others existence and are assigned to smoke each other out. The tension builds up as the movie goes on as the two men both develop relationships with the same woman, a police psychiatrist, which shows both of their strengths and vulnerabilities. The writing by William Monaghan is truly funny, genuine dialogue that shows no awkwardness or falsity to it, simply flowing as a bunch of street thugs in south Boston would speak, with loads of vulgarities and such. Scorsese goes to the genre that he helped create and keeps the streets of Boston as mean as he ever made the streets of New York. He doesn’t do any overdone craziness that Tony Scott uses; Scorsese simply shows us exactly how a story unfolds with no frills or anything. Unlike his ambitious film GANGS OF NEW YORK, that also starred DiCaprio, here there is no extra fat, surprising for a film with a 150-minute runtime.
The acting here is so key to the movie, because if the actors don’t come across as hardened criminals or smooth talking cops, the great writing and directing would all be null and void, and for the most part the cast is outstanding. Alec Baldwin as policeman Ellerby is so funny that I grabbed the arm of a stranger next to me just to stop myself from flailing in my chair violently at his rants. Jack Nicholson is still at the top, and portrays the role of gang boss Frank Costello perfectly as a crazy, old dog starting to lose touch with the world around him. Ray Winstone and Mark Whalberg both play sidekicks, Winstone’s Mr. French to Costello and Whalberg’s Dignam to Police Chief Queenan, with so much character of their own that they probably could have entire movies shaped around just their characters cause they came across as characters with so much more to share and tell. The problem I had is with the leads. DiCaprio, as hard as he tries, never came across as “street” as he should’ve, but his character’s vulnerability, a trait he plays very well, comes across so often in the movie, that his “street” side’s weakness could easily be forgiven. Damon also is mostly good, but has moments where I wanted to slap his goofy Irish mug off of the screen because he came across so ridiculously phony and cold.
THE DEPRARTED shouldn’t be compared to any other film out there because it is so different. Not quite a New York gangster film, not quite a slick Hong Kong action film, THE DEPARTED is simply a new breed of gangster movie that can only be described as one of the more inspired works to come out of Hollywood in a long time.
--9/10--

Crank

Review by Michael Jaffe

CRANK is incredible. By no means an actual ‘Oscar worthy’ film, (one that will be praised by real critics for its emotional center and blah, blah…) CRANK is flat-out stupid, balls to the wall, action comedy. Directed by a duo of first-time directors, Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine, show some of the tricks they learned as stunt men and bring a completely new view to the action genre. While the plot is laughable for its pointless one mindedness (Chev Chelios, mob hit man, must keep his adrenaline pumping long enough to say goodbye to his girl, kill the guys who poisoned him and maybe save his life) the action comes so fast and furious as Chev tries to keep his heart beating, there isn’t time in the theatre to do anything but grab your seat hard and watch the carnage unfold. The straight foreword point of CRANK is to show Jason Statham being badass while killing people and having sex with his girlfriend in public all in the name of saving his life. The little parts of the film and the trick camera shots that randomly scatter throughout the film keep things interesting, although the movie hardly needs it. This film has one purpose to serve and that is to be a hard R-rated action movie that will have the audience laughing at the ludicrous set pieces and cringing at the butcher knife to the wrist trick. 7/10

Snakes On A Plane

Review by Michael Jaffe

I have seen the light and it is SNAKES ON A PLANE. While this film lives up to everyone’s expectations as a ridiculous, over the top action packed movie with Sam Jackson being badass, it actually exceeds the idea that it will be “so bad its funny” and is quite entertaining with out the chock-shocks. Everyone should know the basic plot, straight from the title, but what the title doesn’t tell you is that a surfer on Hawaii named Sean witness’s a murder committed by notorious gangster Eddie Kim. Sam Jackson plays FBI agent Flynn whose job it is to get Sean back to LA to testify against Kim. Unfortunately, Kim’s plan to kill Sean en route is to put a huge crate filled with deadly snakes on the plane timed to let the snakes free exactly mid way from Hawaii to LA so that the plane must keep going. So midway the flight, snakes are let free on the plane and mayhem ensues. The films snakes are occasionally fake looking and sometimes I could even identify a non poisonous snake or two attacking people, but for the most part the snake attacks are so ridiculous and awesome, you could care less.
The acting in this film is one thing that surprised me in the fact that other than Nathan Phillips, who plays Sean, the entire cast is really quite good. Other than the always brilliant Sam Jackson, Julianna Margulies, David Koechner and Sunny Mabrey all are entertaining and keep the action lively. Koechner especially is funny and boisterous as the sexually harassing Texan co-pilot.
I’ve seen this movie twice, once at 10:00 pm and another time at a matinee. The 1000 showing had the entire theatre yelling at the screen and cheering and throwing snakes. And if there was ever a quiet moment, the theatre started making snake hissing sounds. The matinee on the other hand had a girl tell me to shut up when I tried to whoop it up for the title. I recommend seeing a screening where people don’t mind yelling at the screen and howling at the vicious snake attacks. Remember its all about having fun, and SOAP definetly is tons of fun. 8/10

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Review by Michael Jaffe

With such high expectations, it was going to be impossible for POTC:DMC to live up to them. What has happened is the jokes have gone a little stale and Jack’s a little meaner and a lot less light hearted as he was in the fist movie. If this wasn’t a sequel, it would probably look a lot better, but since the first movie was so good, the flaws are amplified and unfortunately ruined my experience. The story involves Jack trying to get a key to a chest to get Davy Jones’s heart so that jack won’t need to pay off his debt to Davy, which is his soul. The plot takes back seat to the hijinks and side stories of which there are many and just about everything works pretty well except the love story. Elizabeth falling for Jack was a little joke in the first movie, but it blossoms to an entire side story in DMC. I hated every moment that they were developing this plot because Jack’s a pirate and he isn’t supposed to love anything other than his ship and gold. And the other problem with this movie was how boring it got at parts. While a lot of the movie was go go go action bang bang stuff, there were too many scenes where I found myself yawning and the reason I because the dialogue lacked the crack of a whip sharpness of the first movie and came off as extremely forced in places. At least Johnny Depp was funny and drunk and excellent again in his role, even if some of his lines weren’t as great as before, he got enough shots off that I was kept laughing. Orlando Bloom is still likable and seemed more manly in this movie as opposed to a little fruity in the last one. I like the direction he’s going as an actor, even though he’s still too skinny to be a knight. The action scenes were cool and overall I had fun, but not as much fun as the first movie so now I’m really hoping the third movie is ass kickery. 7/10

Miami Vice

Review by Michael Jaffe

If you have ever seen or heard of the original MIAMI VICE TV show, then the movie is probably not for you. While the original show was all style and oozing with coolness, the movie is a dark, gritty, very talkative cop drama. That’s right, I said drama as there is maybe 3 action scenes in this movie, all of which appears in the trailer. It is shot in the same way Michael Mann shot COLLATERAL and HEAT except that those movies had a lot more to them and a lot more action sequences to move the story along. I really wanted to love this movie as I really like everyone involved and I really like the original show, but the final product is unfortunately no where near the potential sum of its parts. The two stars, Farrell and Foxx, are both quite good in their roles as both can stare at stuff with the staring bests. The dialogue seems realistic on one hand as the people in the movie are all business all the time, but on the other hand it seemed very static and fairly dull, which doesn’t help the barely visible plot. If a movie doesn’t have much of a plot, it should have other things that excel to make up for it, but the straight foreword story consists of Miami PD detectives Crockett and Tubbs going undercover in the Columbian drug cartel to try and find a leak into the FBI. So for over two hours, you see what its like to be a runner for a drug cartel and never find out who the mole is, but you do have a lot of love scenes. That was another thing that bothered me was the amount of scenes where Colin Farrell and Chinese goddess Gong Li (still really hot) engage in a) sex or b) conversations about their families. While it was nice to see some character development, Farrell’s character was undercover at the time so I was left wondering if his back story was real or his cover, so it didn’t really shed any light on his character at all. Li was quite good in her role as the middleman for the big Columbian drug dealer. And she apparently was his girl, which I didn’t figure out until someone said “she’s his woman” almost two thirds of the way through the movie. The plot had me trying to figure stuff out the whole way, and once important plot points were uncovered you had to ask “why does this matter?” Not saying that Michael Mann has lost his touch, but this film is definitely a down point in his illustrious career. He has perfected the pseudo-documentary look and feel of the film as he did in COLLATERAL and that works great in this film, but with such bland dialogue and a goofy plot, I wonder if all the distractions on set from Farrell’s drug problem to a shooting on set, effected the final product of the film. The cool and grit that seeps out of this movie save it from just being bad. 6/10

Initial D

Review by Michael Jaffe

Initial D is a phenomenon is asia with the anime series and the manga books. The writing and the capturing of the drifting car culture combined with interesting characters made for a guaranteed winner. Now look at the team of writers and directors behind the Infernal affairs trilogy, one of the best and highest grossing film series to come out of Hong Kong in a while. Put these two separate yet equally awesome entities together and you get Initial D, the film experience. Neither the source material nor the film makers made any mistakes in getting this incredibly unique and exhilarating film experience to the screen. Simply put, Initial D is one of my favorite movies already because its combination of jaw dropping race scenes, funny ass dialogue, great acting and best of all, inspiring directing all came together in perfect unity.
The plot has tofu delivery boy Takumi, who has grown up driving fast on the curves of Japan’s greatest mountain. As Takumi sleeps (actually sleeps) through high speed, daring races on the mountain, he gains fame and notoriety and eventually begins racing other champions. The plot is kind of bazaar and remarkably simple, but the characters and the cars keep you fully locked and honed in on the movie for the entire run time. The actors are all familiar to fans of Hong Kong Cinema, and for anyone who has seen Infernal Affairs; many faces will look familiar to you. The actors all play their roles extremely well; especially Anthony Wong who plays Bunta, Takumi’s drunken, comedic father perfectly, frequently making one liners that caused the audience to roar with laughter. The writing of the film is very odd and quirky, but at no point does it not cause you to groan because it is simply so stupid. Occasionally lines are so hokey that a chuckle is required, but based on the writer’s previous credits, the probably put in the cheesy lines just to get laughs, and they achieve their goal remarkably well.
The race scenes though are the real star of the film as with not a hint of CGI through most of the driving sequences, I found myself actually moving my hands like I was steering and shifting along with the characters on screen I was so sucked into the experience of the movie. For car buffs, the races aren’t between super charger American muscle cars like we see in Fast and the Furious, but who car handle better, the GTR or the AE86. The racing sequences at night on the curvy mountain roads are truly poetry in motion as the drivers, at least the good ones, drift smoothly, with no bumps around curves at intense speeds.
As either a car geek, or just a movie lover, Initial D will thouroughly entertain you and make you want to see more. I saw this at a film festival, so I don’t know about a mainstream, US theatre run, but it is out on DVD in the states and I highly recommend you pick it up now. 9/10

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Review by Michael Jaffe

In the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, the plot is a lot more like NASCAR than the exciting and visually stimulating badassery that is drift racing. In FFTD, one of the better chase scenes I have seen, where four cars weave in and out of Tokyo traffic. Director Justin Lin uses the scenery of Tokyo to make the chase scenes not only exciting, but they are one of the rare bright spots in this highly predictable, wannabe macho flick. The plot is probably as run of the mill as they come where a outcast in Texas is shipped to live with his dead beat army dad in Tokyo to escape prosecution in the states. As far as flawed logic goes, this is ridiculous as the main character, Shawn, is allowed to flee the country after causing massive property damage in an exhilarating race scene at the movies beginning.
At least the races are fun to watch, because that is the only part of the movie that are worth watching. Once Shawn gets to Tokyo, his father tells him to stay away from cars, but immediately Shawn’s new friend Twinkie throws him into the world of Tokyo’s underground drift racing. The story that follows has no real twists or turns and simply goes thought the motions. This really disappointed me as I thought that Justin Lin would bring new life to the series, and he has, but not to the story line. The writing lags at points and doesn’t really spice anything up. The actors don’t really seem at fault; even Bow Wow does an OK job with the material handed to him. Lucas Black, who I thought was a rising star, hits hopefully what is a brief low in his career as I had really liked his performances is Jarhead and especially Crazy in Alabama. Sung Kang as the man who befriends Shawn and takes him into the world of drift racing goes to the Brad Pitt school of cool and constantly is eating and fiddling with stuff in his mouth and surprisingly is a highpoint of the film and the only character who provides not only emotion, but the crowds cheers.
The film really does its best when the drivers are behind the wheels of the cars, spinning and grooving to a surprisingly decent, albeit repetitive, soundtrack. Also, Director Lin’s use of the Japan location really brings new life into scenes that would otherwise be boring, but instead there is a lot of cool scenery to look at. The race at Mt. Akina is pretty good. The cameo by Sonny Chiba is pretty good as he just jokes his way through three scenes, not really caring and playing it fairly tongue in cheek, Reynolds style.
Compared to the other FF movies, it is maybe on par with the first one which I recently re-viewed and liked a lot for the races and macho attitudes carried by the stars, and FFTD is much better than 2F2F which was pretty much a homoerotic joke. But FF:Tokyo Drift is a completely different animal that really shouldn’t be considered part of the seires as it isn’t about the macho bull shit, but how people feel, which might have worked if the critical flaw of the movie trying to be macho, but falling far short in the manly category. As a separate movie though, it was a half decent, somewhat enjoyable time at the movies. 6/10

P.S. For someone looking for a better race movie, that has tons of funny movies, intentional or not but still some great racing scenes, I recommend Initial D (review coming real soon!), which is now out on DVD in the states. It is what Tokyo Drift should’ve been.

X-Men: The Last Stand

Review by Michael Jaffe

I am not homophobic but I hated Wolverine in X3. Not that everyman who cries is a woman, but in the course of a two hour movie, what is supposed to be a purely animal character filled with rage took out his rage not by using his unbreakable claws, but by crying. Twice. One of the manliest characters ever developed a feminine side. What the fuck? The sequel is gonna be X4: Gotta Dance where Wolverine goes to Broadway. As a fan and reader of the comics I know for a fact that Wolverine has testicles, so the movie is way off what it should be.
But the movie, other than the numerous differences from the comic that the previous two films didn’t make, this films was shoddily made with a terrible script. The writer, Zak Penn famed for X2 but also Elektra, Suspect Zeroand Inspector Gadget, shows that X2 might have been either a fluke or a testament to Bryan Singer’s genius. The characters have no real depth in this movie, even Jean Grey who has a lot of time devoted to her, appears just to be a confused teenager. The movie tells us Phoenix, her alter-ego is the most powerful mutant out there, but she has two tirades and a lot of walking around looking angry and confused. The plot of the movie takes the Dark Phoenix tale from the comics and combines it with the threat of a mutant cure, a great idea from Joss Whedon of Serenity. When a wealthy owner of a drug company develops a mutant cure drug, Magneto feels threatened and assembles a brotherhood to fight it. He is joined by the now evil Jean Grey who’s split personality broke out at the end of X2.
The direction on this film is big and bold but fails as continuity of the simplest kind is ignored (one second its mid day, the next its night) and the effects, while done by WETA (Peter Jackson’s effects team), vary from incredible to shoddy looking. While these mistakes could be overlooked, I wish Brett Ratner had been able to at least read the script before he started shooting or to work of figuring out some of the mutants. There are character mistakes from the comics and there is some terrible dialogue. Possible the greatest mistake is how Professor X’s character pulls a complete 180 turn from what he has been in the movies and books, and he becomes a condescending asshole. Really, I love Prof X but he acts like such a pompous dick in this movie, I started rooting for the Brotherhood.
The addition of Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut is brilliant as he was the funniest and most bad ass mutant in the entire film as he even gets the best line in the movie. And of course the addition of puffer boy lightens things up. The new mutants really made this film watchable. Patrick Stewart is good in his role as Prof X even thought the character is shoddy and Ian McKellen continues his run as a standout in crap films, continuing from Da Vinci Code. Mr. McKellen made me root for Magneto because he gave the character life, depth and some emotional base even though his lines where on occasion unintentionally funny.
That’s another thing about this movie that I hated. There were numerous times where lines that were supposed to be serious received a big laugh from the audience. The Juggernaut line was hysterical and some moments just got the audience laughing. I heard more laughs at this screening than I did when I saw Rush Hour 2, which was a funny movie that I liked! I really want Brett Ratner to making Rush Hour movies and leave the superhero stuff to either the professionals or people who have enough time to work on the script a little. My real highlight for this movie though was the Snakes on a Plane trailer which got a real big WHOOP from the audience. And also, don’t leave until after the credits because there is a little bit of X-trocity left. 4/10

Mission: Impossible III

Review by Michael Jaffe

Tom Cruise may be insane, but he still can run real fast. Matter of fact, I don’t think that I have seen a Tom Cruise movie where he didn’t run. In M:I III Cruise runs a whole lot and doesn’t really get anywhere. The plot of this mission has Ethan Hunt called back into the field to hunt an arms dealer named Owen Davian who is said to be selling something called “the rabbits foot.” After Ethan kidnaps Davian, Davian escapes and Ethan’s girlfriend is kidnapped and Ethan and his team goes AWOL to get her back.
Cruise plays Hunt more like the first M:I movie, more of a thinking man with a soul a little sense of humor. The back story about Hunt’s personal life adds more depth to the character and makes his action more believable. The supporting cast is what really stands out in this movie and makes the experience enjoyable. Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman makes his character sadistic and completely sociopathic. He takes these characteristics and makes his wealthy and intelligent character seem almost bored throughout the entire movie, yet when he is on screen, it is hard to look away. Ving Rhames seems to be having more fun this time around in his role as Luther the tech guy than he has before and it comes through as he and Cruise banter at random moments in the movie. Johnathon Rhys-Meyers is good as the young assistant/driver of the team and Maggie Q looks incredibly hot as she slinks through this movie. The best part of this movie though is definitely Simon Pegg, better known as Shaun from Shaun of the Dead, who has only two short scenes but it is impossible to look away or to stop laughing.
J.J. Abrams, who co-wrote and directed M:I III, doesn’t break down any barriers with his writing or his direction, but he makes the experience of watching M:I III so fun, that I can’t wait to see what he does next. For anyone who has seen his TV Shows, Lost and Alias, this films up beat dialogue and intense action scenes carry this film through with ease. He is obviously a good enough director to shoot an awesome helicopter chase through windmills in the beginning of the film.
While the plot is ridiculous/pointless at times, everything else about the film is funny and engaging enough and enough stuff blows up in awe inspiring fashion that I recommend this to anyone with a pulse. 8/10

Date Movie

Review by Michael Jaffe

Date Movie is a rare case of someone smearing fecal matter all over some film, and slapping it in the can and calling it a movie. The supposed parody comedy of romantic comedies didn’t make me laugh once through its, thankfully quick, 80 minute run-time. The point of a parody, like the successful Scary Movie or, my favorite, Not another Teen Movie, takes stuff that is either serious or comedic and turns it with a wink and a nod into something different and occasionally better than the source materials. Date Movie takes some movies that were OK before like My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Hitch and makes me long for the originals. It is almost a compliment to the makers of Date Movie to make me feel such a strong emotion as most of Hollywood films lately have been so bland that no emotion is evoked.
The plot is exactly like a stupid date movie itself, so the parody is almost lost and completely turned onto itself. The story of a once ugly girl from a strict family goes to a date doctor and becomes beautiful. She then falls in love with someone her parents do not approve of but eventually her parents turn when the meet the grooms parents. Then stuff goes wrong but who really cares at this point? All I cared about 40 minutes into the movie was how to get my money back. The cast was people who’s faces were familiar, including Alyson Hannigan as the lead and Eddie Griffin as her father. Who comes up with these casts? Fred Willard, apparently suffering from Eugene Levy “can’t say no” syndrome shows up as the groom’s father as well. I actually felt bad for the cast who had to do this stuff and when the credits started rolling I dashed for the door only to be drawn back in to watch the bloopers. They were the best part as people’s errors were better than the piece of sh…I mean script.
I usually look for some technical points or some direction but overall, the movie was so bad that who cares? I recommend avoiding being in a theatre or next to a theatre playing this movie because some of it might rub off on you, then you would be screwed. 1/10

Ultraviolet

Review by Michael Jaffe

For anyone who saw or was a fan of Kurt Wimmer’s previous sci-fi action flick Equilibrium, I apologize because Ultraviolet is like Equilibrium if you lobotomized the writer so all he knew were action scenes and dialogue from Rocky V. The plot is fairly thin, making it seem like it should be a 20 page book, and not a waste of a movie with only an eighty minute run time. The story is about a vampire-like disease that is very contagious and the government wishes to exterminate the people with the disease. Violet is one of the infected and she fights back at the big bad government.
For those of you who didn’t see the under-the-radar classic Equilibrium, it was a sci-fi film that had some depth to it as its characters battled not people, but their emotions. Ultraviolet has none of that emotional depth. While Equilibrium didn’t have awe inspiring dialogue, the words all seemed like the characters and actual people would actually say them. In Ultraviolet, any amount of believability is thrown out the window for corny one-liners that make sense in a movie trailer or even a comic book, but in a feature film, most of the dialogue came off as pure comedy. Frequently in the screening I saw, people would break out into violent laughter as Milla Jovovich uttered most of the ridiculous phrases.
While Milla Jovovich is a former model, and a somewhat capable action actress, see the first Resident: Evil or The Fifth Element, her acting ability is not strong enough by a long shot to make the corny dialogue work. While she does look incredible in tight outfits performing incredible action stunts, whenever someone isn’t dying, a little but of my soul was because of her delivery. The supporting cast though was surprisingly decent, at least you felt bad for them having to say the lines. William Fitchner delivers an actually acceptable bit performance as a scientist, making me believe that he is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood today.
Kurt Wimmer continues to show that he can direct the most incredible action sequences on earth with such sequences as a motorcycle race on the side of buildings and even a awesome flaming sword fight. Unfortunately, any sign of being an intelligent action film director he showed in Equilibrium was ditched for the sake of his most recent flick. While the film is visually stunning, not only the fight scenes, but even the sunsets in the background were so stunning that you could actually not hear the dialogue for minutes because you were gaping at the beautiful landscapes. The art and action value of the film was incredible but it was still hard to get over such lines as “Get over here and sit your little butt down or you’ll see who the real bad guy is!”
While I really hope Mr. Wimmer continues to make bad ass action movies, I hope he gets a co-writer next time to help him recover some of the magic that made his previous adventure great. This time though, Mr. Wimmer has struck out in the fashion of a three year old trying to hit Randy Johnson: looking cute, but once you get down to what matters it’s a big swing and a miss. 4/10

Match Point

Review by Michael Jaffe

Match Point is a fantastically tense and beautiful modern tragedy. The dialogue isn’t as biting or intelligent as Mr. Allen has done in the past, but the film is all about minimalism in a society of over the top summer houses and fancy cars. The story is about Chris Wilton, a famous Irish tennis player who comes to London as a tennis instructor and becomes married to a wealthy Londoner. Her wealthy father gives Chris a job and things are looking up. But Chris cannot forget about his brother-in-laws former fiancée, American actress Nola Rice. He eventually meets back up with her and starts an affair. The rest of the movie is a taught drama that views the struggle Chris goes through with his infidelity and the morality of his actions.
The acting in the movie is all underplayed, with very subtle performances from Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Emily Mortimer. Rhys-Meyers has always been under the radar of American film goers, but after winning an Emmy for Elvis, his performance in the now Oscar nominated Match Point and being cast in the upcoming Mission: Impossible III should vault Rhys-Meyers to stardom. His performance in Match Point is very quiet, conveying the full spectrum of emotions without having to blow up like Al Pacino. Emily Mortimer also is up and coming and in Match shows a perky, rich upper-class Londoner, but still can show her doubt and self consciousness. Scarlett Johansson as the American Nola Rice, Mathew Goode as Tom Hewett, the brother in law and Brian Cox as the Londoners wealthy father all turn in very good performances that get all the points across, but none of the trio captures the movie. Ms. Johansson does display a level of sexuality that made most men in the theatre squirm, but her naturally incredible looks doesn’t make an entire performance even though her beauty does rule the screen whenever she appears. A hidden treat for filmophiles, Ewen Bremmer, Spud from Trainspotting, and James Nesbitt, Ivan from Bloody Sunday, make appearances as detectives in the film.
Woody may not be at the top of his game when writing or directing Match Point, but he should be applauded for writing one of the best films of the year while exploring new territory. His direction has little action, but the slightest of camera movement and lighting set a mood as only an American master could. The film’s setting in London allows for Mr. Allen to use the English social latter to move the story. While the film may only by Mr. Allen sticking out his feelers in London before busting out in 2006 with Scoop, a London-set comedy also with Ms. Johansson. With his touch for the subtle still intact, I hope to see his movies get better and better from now on. As for this film, I think a great new tragedy for the cannon has been created. 8.5/10

Hostel

Review by Michael Jaffe

In Eli Roth’s latest film, Hostel, I finally remembered why I love movies more than food. After sitting through countless hours of beautiful but slow stuff and films, like American-Pie: Band Camp, that insult my intelligence, this film comes through with dialogue and a plot that made me laugh and gasp. The plot is basic; a couple guys looking for sex wind up in Slovakia at a hostel where they expect to find the best women in Europe, but instead find an art show where you can pay to torture poor unsuspecting people. That is almost as straightforward as it gets, but what kept me looking was the bodies. I mean this in two basic senses: the gorgeous, living women and the dismembered dead ones. For anyone who saw the cool gore fest that was Cabin Fever, this is what could be expected but in both aspects Eli Roth goes above and beyond the call of duty. The movie isn’t very long, but in the first 30 minutes of the film about, there is an average of 2 boobs per minute on the screen, which I can appreciate. And in the last 30 minutes there is an average of something getting chopped off at about a part per minute. For those of you who are wondering what happens in the middle 30 minutes, the plot is kind of a sneaky mystery where you can’t help but feel an impending sense of dread about what will happen to these guys.
The direction of Hostel is shinning and damn near pitch perfect on every level as Roth shows an ability to get some humor in while also knowing when to spray the blood. I can’t wait to see what this guy does with a real budget over 5 million as he showed impressive growth from his first to his second film. He also picks his actors well as Jay Hernandez, long an ensemble member shines through in this film. Even Derek Richardson from Dumb and Dumberer conveys the nervousness and eventually terror of his character with pathos I wouldn’t normally expect from such a young actor. The comic relief is the Icelandic friend Oli, played with a goofy zest by investment banker Eythor Gudjonsson, who has no previous experience and got the job by talking to Eli Roth at a press junket.
For people with strong stomachs, the gore will not surprise, but for majority of people used to the PG-13 violence of late, this film’s intense scenes will likely make you queasy. The film as a whole is a little shallow but is supurb in almost every aspect. 8.5/10

American Pie: Band Camp

Review by Michael Jaffe

In a first for Mouldy’s movies, the film being reviewed is a direct to DVD feature. I have been a big fan of the American Pie trilogy since I saw the first film at least a dozen times with buddies in middle school. The fourth film in the series, titled Band Camp, might as well not be considered part of the series at all but an occasional funny, mostly aggravating soft core porno. The film stars newcomer Tad Hilgenbrinck as Matt Stifler, the younger brother of Steven Stifler from the previous films. After a prank goes wrong, Matt is sent to band camp for the summer and proceeds to go through the motions as he starts mean, then becomes nice and then goes mean again but redeems himself in the end. Mr. Hilgenbrinck may be a great actor deep, DEEP down, but in this film he very often does one of the worst Stifler impressions I have ever seen. On numerous occasions I almost punched myself in the head to try and numb the pain that some of the lines in this film evoked. The acting from the rest of the cast is on par with a porno, so it is below acceptable but not to the lowness that is the stiff-meister. Eugene Levy is in this film for no reason other than the paycheck I expect, but lightens the film up and brings back some great memories from the previous films in this series. Overall, this film is pretty poor, with an occasional chuckle and the frequent nude girl, but even that cant save this turd.

Since this is a DVD review, the special features should also gain mention so as you don’t buy the film for the extras only. The extras are different with a cast interview and a “Love Lesson” with former porn star Ginger Lynn which was not so much informative but a poor attempt at humor that boors quickly. There are also the usual bloopers and deleted scenes and thankfully no full length audio commentary.

Movie: 4/10
Features: 5/10
Overall: 4.5/10

King Kong

Review by Michael Jaffe

Peter Jackson has been one of my film idols since I saw Dead Alive in 5th grade. Then I saw The Frighteners and loved his work even more, but then those Ring movies came out and my boy PJ went main stream and now everybody loves him. And after viewing King Kong, I think PJ loves himself too much as well. The light-handed approach that came with The Frighteners is all but completely lost in the 500 ton gorilla that is King Kong. While it is true that the previous versions of Kong, the 1930’s version and the 1970’s version with Jessica Lange, the films weren’t happy or funny, but they weren’t boring either and in this Kong the moments that took place before Skull Island, almost 45 minutes, were so boring that I was more focused on the jackasses in the row ahead of me and their conversation. While the film was boring for the first act, I couldn’t help but admit how glorious the film looked and the acting and the writing and everything was superbly done, but I couldn’t help but feel if it was necessary? Maybe it was all my anticipation to see Kong in action, but nevertheless I couldn’t help but wish that they would just get to the damn island.
Once they get on the island though, hot damn, the barrage of action never lets up and actually gets so intense that people, my mother for one, left the theatre during a massive and horrifically disturbing bug fight in a dark pit. The scenes with Kong are absolutely dazzling and so incredible that even if you wanted to, you can’t look away from the smooth, yet powerful beast. Since Kong is on screen for most of the second and third acts, the film after they get to the island is unbelievable. As for the humans in this film, Jack Black is appealingly sleazy as Carl Denham, the film director. Adrien Brody, academy award winner, is somewhat bland and run of the mill as the hero of the film. Naomi Watts, in the role immortalized by Fay Wray, is the blonde haired beauty who draws the affection of the beast and eventually his destruction. Ms. (Mrs.?) Watts delivers a performance that doesn’t move, but doesn’t disturb and distress either; it is a perfectly acceptable performance that doesn’t distract from the heart of the film: KONG!!!
Since this film is flawless visually and in almost every other aspect other than its pacing, I cant help but give it a good rating, but I also cant help but fell that it could’ve been so much more, not literally though as it is three and a half hours.
9/10